friday!

this week actually seemed shorter than most, by some miracle. 
i think it might have been the cloud of happiness around me.
that or the fact that i actually don't feel like a zombie anymore even though i've had LESS sleep than usual.


this was my last full week of actual school until the second week of january, which is the start of the new semester. monday through thursday are EXAMSEXAMSEXAMS.
which actually seem like they're going to be easy.
simply because i know my stuff and i'm allowed to have a cheat sheet at the very least on each exam. in pre-ap i get to use EVERYTHING because we're just writing two essays and, hello!, it sort of helps to have textual support sometimes. and in econ, i get to use my entire notebook of outlines. thank you, god.


but, right along with the beginning of the second semester is the beginning of our production of oliver!


i'm definitely resting as much as physically possible over the break. especially since we're going to have wee ones in oliver!


anyways, in effort to take a break from the addictingness that editing pictures on picnik is, here's your fill in the blank friday from lauren at the little things we do!


* my most favorite "little thing" is either being lazy with a hot cup of coffee on a sunday morning or feeling pretty. yes, i am slightly vain. but isn't everyone?


* i'd give anything to go on uchicago's trip to greece next summer. damn you people, sending me tempting pamphlets!!


* i can't believe my junior year is already halfway over. it seemed like barely two weeks ago it was august and i was just starting off the year. less than a year until i start applying to colleges, and i'm freaking excited!


* the one thing i'd like to achieve today is an hour of yoga. it sounds sooooooo good right now because my back is killing me. i feel like a spring that's a tad bit too compressed.


* the last thing i want to do today is fail miserably at writing. so i'll try not to fail :)


* if i were writing my own blank today, it would say: december word association: go!


* my favorite candle scent is ... well, um, i don't really burn candles. but my old english teacher had (and still has) a sugar cookie one on a warmer in her classroom so it always smells really good in there.

fiesta

i actually had an amazing weekend, even though there were some pretty... um... unexpected twists and turns in the plot. and some expected ones, too.


and i literally only have one picture of the party. and that was because i simply HAD to get photographic evidence of theo's expression. only reason i didn't get that many pictures was because it was fairly dim and people got pissed off at me for using flash, though. OTHERWISE THERE WOULD BE PICTURES. 
i would have forced them to face my wrath.


one of the many reasons i should {and should not} be allowed to have my own camera. 


but i am one very happy chica right now. even though the stress of exams and other impending doom is pressing down upon me... i'm happy. i'm the happiest i've been for quite some time.


says the girl who has sobbed her eyes out to three books and two episodes of BONES in the past two weeks.


ANYWAYS.


i'm happy because i have raphael back. as my best friend, that is. 


the gang was all at the party on saturday apart from gabriel. he thought the party was going to be trashy, and it wasn't REALLY. not like OMGSHIELDYOUREYESHIDEYOWIFEANCHILLUN trashy. there were a couple of people who.. well. yeah. it was a party. a party with parental supervision, but a party all the same.


the birthday girls were their usual primped selves, though i have to admit i LOVED tory's dress. mostly because i have a thing for ruffles.


keep in mind that these are people i see a couple of times a year. that makes me able to stand their... um... incompetence isn't a nice word but it's the only one that pops into my head.


anyways, they were gracious hostesses though i arrived a tad bit early, hugging and squealing and complimenting me over my dolled-up-ness and electric colored shoes. i, of course, wished them both happy birthday and fussed over them an appropriate amount until evangeline arrived.


there was definitely squealing then.


while i've seen evvie the most recently and most frequently of my lovely quartet of friends, i never get tired of seeing her. it might have to do with the fact that she's the only other female in the group or that she's my sister or simply that i talk to her the most. and she's adorable when she's all smitten over a certain someone.


who was SUPPOSED to go to said party, but, when i called him {and he had no idea who i was because he's never met me in his life} he had "company." *is suspicious*


the next to arrive was theo and his always cute-as-a-button younger brother. of course, we hung out with the older of the pair, seeing as he is evvie's bestie soul mate {dare i compare them to gabriel and i? they're slightly more.... telepathic than us, but i suppose i do dare.}, dancing sillily to the pulsing music as more people continued to trickle in. and then....


raph arrived.


i don't know what it is, but i always get the worst case of nerves if there's even the slightest possibility of running into raph. if i have plans with him, i'm fine, but if it's something like a party or a dance, i start chewing on hang nails or pencils or basically anything i can chew on that isn't poisonous.


especially during that two year period where we weren't talking. at all. 


yeah, the nerves were definitely bad then.


it might just be because i can't even explain the relationship raph and i have to myself.


so. 
raph got there.
i swear i was not watching the door for him to get there.


ANYWAYS. {i swear, rissa. stop distracting yourself.}


evvie got a hug, and then i was offered one, too. which surprised me because ever since homecoming i have even less of a clue of where we stand than i ever have before.


and we danced. all of us, that is. we actually let go and had fun and danced. 


there are very few times when we are like that. and it's really nice when we are. 


and then, as the night continues on, my people begin to leave. first theodore, who was claiming fatigue, and his brother, then evangeline and her sister.


which left me and raph. and a bunch of the guys i used to hang out with when i still went to that school. what can i say? i may have never been a tomboy, but i hung with the boys.


still do.


it was awkward for about two seconds, and then raph forced me to start dancing with them and a couple of girls who were vaguely familiar but apparently knew exactly who i was {weirded out? yes. cool with it after a while? yes.}


and then some drama happened. i'm not going to go into details, but long story short, people were dumbasses and some of us left the party for a little while.


here's the part that i told a couple of people {possibly including my english teacher.... *shifty eyes*} and made them laugh pretty hard.


so. raph and i were in the same car when we left the party for a bit, mainly because he has a car and is the only person i trust to drive.


of course, the one time i'm alone with a guy in a car.... we start listening to classic {aka sinatra, bing crosby, nat king cole...} christmas music and playing chess on his iphone. CHESS, for crying out loud.


but we also reminisced on ye golden olden days, without a word spoken of our fight.


i didn't think he remembered. but he does.


which has made me happy for the past, oh, forty eight or so hours. and daydreamy.


plus, he's making up for not coming to my birthday party by agreeing to go ice skating with me sometime over winter break. which will probably be an utter disaster, but it'll be fun all the same.


i'm a happy girl.

p.s. we're watching dead poet society in pre-AP english. I FINALLY GET TO SEE THIS MOVIE *squee!!!!*


p.p.s. i'm really glad he didn't come to my party right about now. a) can you say AWKWARDDDDD? and b) um, yeah. he did not need to meet he-who-shall-not-be-named. so he didn't. thank god.

caramel coffee = antidote to the world

it has been a long fucking week. longer than usual.
i think i say that every week, but put an entire year into one week and that was this week.
but i'm finally sort of starting to feel like me again. thank god. i've felt like a zombie the past couple of weeks and have been sleeping as much as i possibly could without feeling any better at all. it sucked.
and then, last night, i stayed up until two or three {i have no idea when i passed out with my light on} and woke up bright eyed and bushy tailed with my alarm.
even though i fell asleep for a little while longer.
STILL. bright eyed and bushy tailed.
it felt good.
plus i have finally learned how to make just the right sized pot of coffee to fill up only my travel mug. and i have caramel coffee. it has been by saving grace &hearts

and now for your fill in the blank friday from lauren at the little things we do!


* love is a choice. something hard for me to believe in. amazing. heart-warming. heart-breaking. work. incredible. painful. something that happens only after there are no walls.

* being in love feels like ... i wouldn't know..... but it should feel like butterflies and heart flutters and frustration and contentness and, at the end of the day, it should be a warm, soft blanket to wrap yourself up in.

* my favorite quote about love is {this totally shows my book-worm-y-ness...} "I wanted so badly to lie down next to her on the couch, to wrap my arms around her and sleep. Not fuck, like in those movies. Not even have sex. Just sleep together, in the most innocent sense of the phrase. But I lacked the courage and she had a boyfriend and I was gawky and she was gorgeous and I was hopelessly boring and she was endlessly fascinating. So I walked back to my room and collapsed on the bottom bunk, thinking that if people were rain, I was a drizzle and she was a hurricane." - John Green, Looking for Alaska
{i love john green sooo much (ms. bisig and i have this in common. all the more reason to love her.) and this definitely captures it. whatever it is.}


* the most important thing in a relationship is um. i don't think i'm really qualified in answering this question....
but, honestly, communication. definitely. it's a two-way street, though. you can't bitch about someone not talking after not talking. it doesn't work like that. it also needs to have an openess conveyed in so many ways. closed minds are closed hearts.

* a "deal breaker" for me in a relationship is not listening to what i have to say. my words may be far and few {well, verbal words...} but when i speak it's probably important. {also known as DEFINITELY important}


* the way i show love in my relationships is i'm very much a touchy person. i rub shoulders and necks when people seem stressed, trail fingers down arms in sympathy, squeeze hands and give tight hugs when nothing else will communicate my emotions. it just doesn't always translate, unfortunately.

* i love mi raphael angelo.


{images via weheartit}

he was the visual equivalent of a sunday morning

my day in pictures.

happy sunday!

saturdays are for...
being lazy and sleeping in until 1 or 2.
wearing comfy clothes.
drinking as much hot tea and coffee as i want {because at school it always turns into what my grandpa called "computer coffee" [i get my tech-y habits from him - he always got distracted on the computer! and drank coffee all day....]}.
looking at my grandpa and grandma's old picture album{s}.
taking pictures. 
doing homework when i have it and being grateful when i don't.
reading books.
writing books and stories and poems and blog posts.
talking to best friends.
fuzzy socks.
daydreaming about chapel hill {a part of me wants that chapter to hurry up and get here... the other is saying slow the eff down!!!!!}
time with mom.
playing with my hair.
pampering myself.
catching up on the blogs i like to read {all of which are in the side bar, but rockstar diaries and the little things we do are my favorites right now ♥} and fawning over the pretty things.
cleaning and laundry.
getting rid of things i don't need.
playing with khamir.
daydreaming in general.


a week from today, i will be getting ready to dance around and be silly with my four best friends. hopefully it'll live up to all that i want it to be {aka fun}. because right about now i need some fun, especially with exams coming up and me catching senioritis a semester early.

happy saturday!

fridayfridayfriday

considering i passed out after i got home from the hours of 5pm to around 9:30pm, this isn't going to be a long post.
today has been a really odd day and i'm still not quite sure to make of it. and taking a nap actually made me feel horrible, because, for one thing, i still haven't done my 750words today and this and... ugh. so i have a major headache.


anyways, here's your fill-in-the-blank friday from lauren at the little things we do.


*the holiday season is something that i both love and dread. it gives me an excuse to bundle up and be cozy, and it also coincides with the beginning of school musical season, and nobody looks at me weird if i drink gallons of hot tea. plus i use it as an excuse to be antisocial and read and write a bunch ;)


*snow makes me um. well. i love it but at the same time, i want every friday in may off. it's beautiful, for sure, and makes for amazing pictures {if i can actually get my ass out there in the cold, which is not something i'm fond of}. it's going to scare the hell out of me when i start to drive in it, and after a while it does annoy me. but at the same time it's sort of romantic...


*the best comfort food to eat when it's cold out is {are} cookies. and hot chocolate with tons of whipped cream. basically anything that's sweet and warm.


*winter is the best time for spending time with family, going ice skating, reading a bunch of books, writing a lot, being cozy and lazy.


*i can hardly wait for a friend's birthday party next weekend. it's going to be a blast and, while it's not anyone from my group of best friends' party, we're all going. and i need the opportunity to spend time with my boys. {and evvie, too, of course. psh.}


*when it comes to holiday gifts i prefer to give and receive. i really like seeing if someone has gotten me something i'll love without having to tell them what i want {my sister ami is notorious for doing this. actually, all of my sisters are pretty damn good at that, and so is my mom. and occasionally judy, too. must be a female thing} and i like doing the same for someone else. it's a sure sign that you really know someone, even if it's just an album or a mix cd.


*if i were to rate my excitement about the holiday season on a scale from 1-10, i would say i am about a 7.25. i'm not as big on holidays as i used to be when i had gramps to celebrate them with, too, but i still love them. even if my dad is a grinch and neither family really does much for holidays, aside from a huge christmas party with my stepfamily. anytime i get off school is welcome, though.

I can not refuse your eyes,
Please don't look at me tonight.
My heart beats fast I know you're there,
And I pretend like I don't care.
It hurts so bad to know the truth,
But I am still in love with you.
-Maroon 5

 happy december!

my life in pictures by people who don't know me

c'est la vie.
(all images via weheartit)

oh, juliet...

today has been beautiful, wonderful - and absolutely horrible, too. my father has been an inconsolable jerk all day and miscommunications have abounded.

and now, i'm watching letters to juliet and i'm ready to do my fill in the blank friday from lauren at the little things we do and the house is quiet and almost everything is right in my world.


* waking up at the break of dawn to go shopping is my idea of pure torture. i am not a fan of waking up at dawn ever, and i'm not a big fan of crowds, either. though i am a cheapskate.


* if i were to go shopping today i would be on the hunt for cute clothes and shoes, as always. i might be an addict. maybe.


* the best thing i ate yesterday was probably the hot chocolate i made for my stepsister and i. it.was.amazing.


* something i've been learning lately is that not everyone always likes the truth and it next to never matters what other people think about you. i work to tell the truth, even if someone isn't going to like it, and i've gotten to the point where if you don't like me, you can just leave me the hell alone because i don't really care. and i feel like that's a healthy place to be.


* i cannot start my day without putting mascara on and drinking my tea. in that order.


* my nighttime attire consists of well... it varies. basically, tank top and pants or shorts.


* i am looking forward to getting new clothes. starting oliver. starting over. writing my letter to juliet.

i am mildy in love with most things shakespeare, especially romeo and juliet. it's my favorite. the part of me that's still a hopeless romantic and believes in that stuff believes in romeo and juliet more than anything else in this world.


which is why i'm writing a letter to juliet.


(picture via weheartit)

happy thanksgiving

i can't help myself. even if i do do a gratitude list every day, i really love thanksgiving (who am i and what have i done with myself? a few years ago those words never would have left my fingers!)

my real issue with this holiday is that it really makes me miss grandpa. i just immediately associate thanksgiving (and christmas) with him.


anyways, this year i'm thankful for...
* my family, whether they're related by blood, marriage, heart, or theatre.
* all of my online friends. sometimes they're more supportive than people in the real world.
* beginnings and endings.
*my mom.
*my writing and my books. they always provide an escape route when i need one.
*good food.
*the clothes on my back - especially when they're cute :P
*my home.
*my life.

happy thanksgiving!!!

pillow forts and 750words

unfortunately, i didn't build a pillow fort today. and i haven't in years. mostly because my room hasn't been truly clean in - wait for it...- years. yeah. i know it's bad, but... whatever. i want to build one, though.
ANYWAYS....

i've been playing around on 750words.com for the past couple of days. i love the concept - you just writewritewrite seven hundred and fifty words. it doesn't have to be coherent or have a plot or anything like that. it can be about whatever you want it to be about. it's a good way to get ideas flowing and/or rant and just let everything pour out of your system. or, at least, that's what i've used it for so far.
and it's really not that hard.
i mean, the "stats" thing says that the average world time it takes for people to write their 750 words is around an hour, but i can get mine in about 15-20 minutes - mostly because i'm sitting there typing wildfire the entire time (not literally typing wildfire, fyi. just typing at a minimum of 55wpm.)
the type of routine there is to it makes it really easy for me, too. well, i don't want to say easy... but you can see the days x'd off on the top of the screen and it feels good.

that was yesterday's stats. i was.... really pissed off when i wrote it. and totally random because i was typing about absolutely anything that popped into my head. which unfortunately includes he-who-shall-not-be-named. actually, i went off on him without actually going off on him via that entry (all entries are private unless you post them somewhere... which i did... just not here.). and i unfriended him (and a bunch of other people who i secretly hated) on facebook. it felt good.
but that ranting felt better.
and my emotions are obviously portrayed in the above pie charts.

this is from today's.

so is this.

and so is this (all of them are screen shots :P)
i think i'll always end up with introvert and uncertain and thinking, but hey! i changed from negative to positive! go me!
today's felt really good to write, too. and it's actually safe to post here ;)

Where are you? You wonderful boy you. Are you right in front of me or in Ireland or Italy or Brazil or New York or Canada just waiting for me to find you?

Will you build forts with me? Will you snuggle with me and close your eyes with me and just LISTEN to music with me? Do you like cats and dogs and llamas and other fluffy things? Will you tell me I look pretty or that I smell good or I feel soft or that my kisses taste sweet? Will you like my cooking? Will you like my perfume? Will you read my words and smile, or read my words and hold me close and tell me you understand, tell me that you will always and always and always be there for me? Will you make me coffee just the way I like it? Will you teach me how for when you're not there, or when you can't get out of bed to make it? I hope that's not often, but a girl should know that sort of thing. 

Will you rub the arch of my foot absentmindedly as we sit on a porch swing or in the grass somewhere and read together with my feet in your lap? Will you laugh at my reading glasses perched at the end of my nose? Will you support me in anything and everything I want to do? I'll support you. No matter what. 

Will you play with my hair and hold me close and play with my fingers one by one by one? My toes?

Will you watch me with curious eyes when I write or type up a storm? Will you stay in with me on Friday nights and Sunday mornings and just cuddle with me? Kiss my forehead and my nose and my cheek and my lips? Will you think my love for elephants and giraffes and zebras and bears is endearing? Will you think it's lovely, or adorable, or passionate?

Will you hold me when I cry? I do that sometimes. Sometimes you just need to...............................

Will you tell me I'm pretty even when I feel like shit and lend me your shirts? I know you'll smell good. I know you'll have eyes that I could dive into and never come back out. Why would I want to? I know you're lovely. Will you know me, even if your eyes are closed? Will you make me believe in love again? Will you listen to me sing along to my favorite songs a little bit off key, but not really intentionally? Will you sing them along with me?

Will you share my love for words and foods and pretty places and pretty things? Will you give me space when I need it? I'll give you the same respect in return.
I dream of you, you know. 

I know I'm not going to get to have you while I'm still in high school. Just... No. That's already been made clear to me. Boys here are boys, and unless you magically appear from the sky... You're not going to get here that soon. But you'll be in my life. I know it. Will it be in college? Grad school? Will I meet you when I'm in some distant, far away place that I'll hardly be able to believe is the same planet as where I'm from, coerce you to come home with me? Will I meet you when I begin to work? Will I meet you at a random coffee shop someday, when we both reach for the same cup?
Will you be smooth, or will you stumble? There will be confidence there, I'm ever so sure. Just maybe not at first. Guys tend to not like girls with higher confidence than them, so I know you'll have confidence. 

Sometimes I'm not confident. Sometimes I falter and I cry and I feel miserable about myself. Once upon a time, I wanted to kill myself? Did you know that? Of course you would find out, at some point. That's something too important to hide from someone like you.

Will you teach me how to love? And how to talk? I've never really learned. Not more than a love for my mother or family or for the people I consider my sisters and brothers. Not more than that. I've screwed up and said the words, which was being cruel to the boys I said the words to, and I'm sorry for that. Those sacred words should have never flown from my mouth with them. I've always had walls up. I've always stopped talking at the wrong time and they take it personally and think I want a meaninglessly physical relationship. I assure you, I don't. I just don't know HOW. My heart hasn't been able to teach me. This is high school, right now. Everything happens in double time and my mouth and heart and brain and soul all lag, never developing anything more than care or like or, occasionally, lust.

Change that.

Love, Rissa.

so, would you do something like 750words? do you do 750words?
happy monday!

pay me in elephants and gratitude.

i am taking another break from the joys of textual analysis. i need to do something more creative to keep my brain from turning into mush from overuse :P

but, before the title confuses you too much, dear readers...

i drew an elephant in my gratitude journal. ta-da! and i've been meaning to post about my gratitude journal for like the past week. ooops.

isn't she cute? she's my elephant necklace, Walter's, wife!

anyways, i was proud of myself. but drawing her led me to drawing a giraffe, and then drawing a visual representation for every "i am grateful" statement in my journal. luckily, i haven't been using this one for long, otherwise that could have been an hours long affair.

"He was the visual equivalent of a Sunday morning..." - The Nature of Jade, by Deb Caletti

my elephant, my giraffe, and another Nature of Jade quote: "If is a beautiful word. If is the key to any locked door."

more recent entries, along with the doodles from today :3

THAT is my latest gratitude journal. i got it from my mom (who got it from our friends who i still need to make that baby blanket for... oops!) for my birthday, and have been writing at least five things i'm grateful for every day since.

i've had a gratitude journal off and on ever since i learned how to write. but i somehow manage to never keep one when i really need to - where i'm going through patches where i'm morbid and going through self-imposed solitary confinement and i'm brooding and refusing to communicate.

which is probably why i started this one when i did.

i knew as soon as i opened that present what this notebook would be. it has a picture of one of my favorite places in the world on my favorite day to be there - the winter solstice. and i always feel so much better and so -haha- grateful after i've been there. so it only makes sense that it would become my gratitude journal.

some days i will sit down with a cup of tea and some soft music and take my time, coming up with some deep things that i'm grateful for. that happens a lot when i've had a bad day and i actually have to think to come up with something to be grateful for. how sad is that? actually having to THINK to write something down that i'm grateful for. it should take me, like, thirty seconds to write fifteen things.

and sometimes it does. on the days where i'm happy-go-lucky and feeling good about life but want to go to bed as soon as i can, i can write five things i'm grateful for that day in the blink of an eye. sometimes they're petty, like "i'm grateful for caffeine" {well i AM!} and sometimes they're the deepest thought i have ever had. either way. little things like caffeine or someone calling me pretty or a friend reacting to something i tell them the way i want to can make my day, so why not write them down?

HappyRissa equation: coffee/tea=writing. writing=love. love=happyrissa. therefore, coffee/tea=happyrissa :P

please ignore the horrible manicure. i plan on fixing that asap.

one of my favorite books. i love jade. i love bo. i love the elephants. ILOVESEBASTIAN.

cartoon depiction of what kenzie told me she'd do if she wanted me to. aka kenzie kicking he-who-will-not-be-named's butt.

and some days, some days i'm so filled with gratitude and want to spill my heart out that i write ten, fifteen, twenty things down. those days are my favorite. those days mean i'm happy, not just content.

i always, always write it at the end of the day, though. it might not be right before i go to bed, but it's always the latest i can do it without forgetting it. you have to let the day happen to be grateful for the day you had. and i always write in ink. part of that is because i have a very strong dislike for pencil (i refuse to use traditional pencils. ever. REFUSE. only pencil you'll get me to use is eyeliner or mechanical.) and because the things you're grateful for don't get erased in real life, so why should they even have the possibility of being erased in a notebook? (that also applies to all of my writing. my god, i hate pencil SO MUCH!!!)

anyways, i'm thinking about challenging myself this week, starting with tonight. i'm going to go CRAZY with taking pictures every day, especially of things i'm thankful for. but just pictures in general, too. i need to get into the swing of taking the camera i share with mom with me more places, anyways. that way i get more than just pictures of myself and my woods.

and then i might be able to get my dad to get me a camera.

happy weekend! what are you thankful for?