pillow forts and 750words

unfortunately, i didn't build a pillow fort today. and i haven't in years. mostly because my room hasn't been truly clean in - wait for it...- years. yeah. i know it's bad, but... whatever. i want to build one, though.
ANYWAYS....

i've been playing around on 750words.com for the past couple of days. i love the concept - you just writewritewrite seven hundred and fifty words. it doesn't have to be coherent or have a plot or anything like that. it can be about whatever you want it to be about. it's a good way to get ideas flowing and/or rant and just let everything pour out of your system. or, at least, that's what i've used it for so far.
and it's really not that hard.
i mean, the "stats" thing says that the average world time it takes for people to write their 750 words is around an hour, but i can get mine in about 15-20 minutes - mostly because i'm sitting there typing wildfire the entire time (not literally typing wildfire, fyi. just typing at a minimum of 55wpm.)
the type of routine there is to it makes it really easy for me, too. well, i don't want to say easy... but you can see the days x'd off on the top of the screen and it feels good.

that was yesterday's stats. i was.... really pissed off when i wrote it. and totally random because i was typing about absolutely anything that popped into my head. which unfortunately includes he-who-shall-not-be-named. actually, i went off on him without actually going off on him via that entry (all entries are private unless you post them somewhere... which i did... just not here.). and i unfriended him (and a bunch of other people who i secretly hated) on facebook. it felt good.
but that ranting felt better.
and my emotions are obviously portrayed in the above pie charts.

this is from today's.

so is this.

and so is this (all of them are screen shots :P)
i think i'll always end up with introvert and uncertain and thinking, but hey! i changed from negative to positive! go me!
today's felt really good to write, too. and it's actually safe to post here ;)

Where are you? You wonderful boy you. Are you right in front of me or in Ireland or Italy or Brazil or New York or Canada just waiting for me to find you?

Will you build forts with me? Will you snuggle with me and close your eyes with me and just LISTEN to music with me? Do you like cats and dogs and llamas and other fluffy things? Will you tell me I look pretty or that I smell good or I feel soft or that my kisses taste sweet? Will you like my cooking? Will you like my perfume? Will you read my words and smile, or read my words and hold me close and tell me you understand, tell me that you will always and always and always be there for me? Will you make me coffee just the way I like it? Will you teach me how for when you're not there, or when you can't get out of bed to make it? I hope that's not often, but a girl should know that sort of thing. 

Will you rub the arch of my foot absentmindedly as we sit on a porch swing or in the grass somewhere and read together with my feet in your lap? Will you laugh at my reading glasses perched at the end of my nose? Will you support me in anything and everything I want to do? I'll support you. No matter what. 

Will you play with my hair and hold me close and play with my fingers one by one by one? My toes?

Will you watch me with curious eyes when I write or type up a storm? Will you stay in with me on Friday nights and Sunday mornings and just cuddle with me? Kiss my forehead and my nose and my cheek and my lips? Will you think my love for elephants and giraffes and zebras and bears is endearing? Will you think it's lovely, or adorable, or passionate?

Will you hold me when I cry? I do that sometimes. Sometimes you just need to...............................

Will you tell me I'm pretty even when I feel like shit and lend me your shirts? I know you'll smell good. I know you'll have eyes that I could dive into and never come back out. Why would I want to? I know you're lovely. Will you know me, even if your eyes are closed? Will you make me believe in love again? Will you listen to me sing along to my favorite songs a little bit off key, but not really intentionally? Will you sing them along with me?

Will you share my love for words and foods and pretty places and pretty things? Will you give me space when I need it? I'll give you the same respect in return.
I dream of you, you know. 

I know I'm not going to get to have you while I'm still in high school. Just... No. That's already been made clear to me. Boys here are boys, and unless you magically appear from the sky... You're not going to get here that soon. But you'll be in my life. I know it. Will it be in college? Grad school? Will I meet you when I'm in some distant, far away place that I'll hardly be able to believe is the same planet as where I'm from, coerce you to come home with me? Will I meet you when I begin to work? Will I meet you at a random coffee shop someday, when we both reach for the same cup?
Will you be smooth, or will you stumble? There will be confidence there, I'm ever so sure. Just maybe not at first. Guys tend to not like girls with higher confidence than them, so I know you'll have confidence. 

Sometimes I'm not confident. Sometimes I falter and I cry and I feel miserable about myself. Once upon a time, I wanted to kill myself? Did you know that? Of course you would find out, at some point. That's something too important to hide from someone like you.

Will you teach me how to love? And how to talk? I've never really learned. Not more than a love for my mother or family or for the people I consider my sisters and brothers. Not more than that. I've screwed up and said the words, which was being cruel to the boys I said the words to, and I'm sorry for that. Those sacred words should have never flown from my mouth with them. I've always had walls up. I've always stopped talking at the wrong time and they take it personally and think I want a meaninglessly physical relationship. I assure you, I don't. I just don't know HOW. My heart hasn't been able to teach me. This is high school, right now. Everything happens in double time and my mouth and heart and brain and soul all lag, never developing anything more than care or like or, occasionally, lust.

Change that.

Love, Rissa.

so, would you do something like 750words? do you do 750words?
happy monday!

pay me in elephants and gratitude.

i am taking another break from the joys of textual analysis. i need to do something more creative to keep my brain from turning into mush from overuse :P

but, before the title confuses you too much, dear readers...

i drew an elephant in my gratitude journal. ta-da! and i've been meaning to post about my gratitude journal for like the past week. ooops.

isn't she cute? she's my elephant necklace, Walter's, wife!

anyways, i was proud of myself. but drawing her led me to drawing a giraffe, and then drawing a visual representation for every "i am grateful" statement in my journal. luckily, i haven't been using this one for long, otherwise that could have been an hours long affair.

"He was the visual equivalent of a Sunday morning..." - The Nature of Jade, by Deb Caletti

my elephant, my giraffe, and another Nature of Jade quote: "If is a beautiful word. If is the key to any locked door."

more recent entries, along with the doodles from today :3

THAT is my latest gratitude journal. i got it from my mom (who got it from our friends who i still need to make that baby blanket for... oops!) for my birthday, and have been writing at least five things i'm grateful for every day since.

i've had a gratitude journal off and on ever since i learned how to write. but i somehow manage to never keep one when i really need to - where i'm going through patches where i'm morbid and going through self-imposed solitary confinement and i'm brooding and refusing to communicate.

which is probably why i started this one when i did.

i knew as soon as i opened that present what this notebook would be. it has a picture of one of my favorite places in the world on my favorite day to be there - the winter solstice. and i always feel so much better and so -haha- grateful after i've been there. so it only makes sense that it would become my gratitude journal.

some days i will sit down with a cup of tea and some soft music and take my time, coming up with some deep things that i'm grateful for. that happens a lot when i've had a bad day and i actually have to think to come up with something to be grateful for. how sad is that? actually having to THINK to write something down that i'm grateful for. it should take me, like, thirty seconds to write fifteen things.

and sometimes it does. on the days where i'm happy-go-lucky and feeling good about life but want to go to bed as soon as i can, i can write five things i'm grateful for that day in the blink of an eye. sometimes they're petty, like "i'm grateful for caffeine" {well i AM!} and sometimes they're the deepest thought i have ever had. either way. little things like caffeine or someone calling me pretty or a friend reacting to something i tell them the way i want to can make my day, so why not write them down?

HappyRissa equation: coffee/tea=writing. writing=love. love=happyrissa. therefore, coffee/tea=happyrissa :P

please ignore the horrible manicure. i plan on fixing that asap.

one of my favorite books. i love jade. i love bo. i love the elephants. ILOVESEBASTIAN.

cartoon depiction of what kenzie told me she'd do if she wanted me to. aka kenzie kicking he-who-will-not-be-named's butt.

and some days, some days i'm so filled with gratitude and want to spill my heart out that i write ten, fifteen, twenty things down. those days are my favorite. those days mean i'm happy, not just content.

i always, always write it at the end of the day, though. it might not be right before i go to bed, but it's always the latest i can do it without forgetting it. you have to let the day happen to be grateful for the day you had. and i always write in ink. part of that is because i have a very strong dislike for pencil (i refuse to use traditional pencils. ever. REFUSE. only pencil you'll get me to use is eyeliner or mechanical.) and because the things you're grateful for don't get erased in real life, so why should they even have the possibility of being erased in a notebook? (that also applies to all of my writing. my god, i hate pencil SO MUCH!!!)

anyways, i'm thinking about challenging myself this week, starting with tonight. i'm going to go CRAZY with taking pictures every day, especially of things i'm thankful for. but just pictures in general, too. i need to get into the swing of taking the camera i share with mom with me more places, anyways. that way i get more than just pictures of myself and my woods.

and then i might be able to get my dad to get me a camera.

happy weekend! what are you thankful for?

felice venerdi

it has been a long week.
even with taking monday off (i.felt.like.hell.) i'm still exhausted and have been catching up on sleep (the woes of being a theatre nerd basically = sleep deprivation) all damn week. add in that we started a full lab in chemistry today and i have a paper due on monday on Their Eyes Were Watching God in pre-ap english and i had to quit nanowrimo yet again and i've not been the most pleasant person.

plus there are a couple of people i would LOVE to allow myself to lose my temper on and have wanted to all week but i can't. siiigh. 

i have come to the conclusion that most boys are assholes.

anyways, i'm hoping for a happier weekend... i'm going to write this entire paper (i have good ideas for it, i'm just writing this to destress before i start) by sunday so kenzie and i can proofread each others' papers before they're due in second period on monday and i'm going to do laundry and possibly do my nails. maybe even tidy up the chaos that my bedroom is in to help tidy up the chaos that is my mind. even if it means i can't go to my volunteering meeting tomorrow (*sob*).

and now for your weekly fill-in-the-blanks from lauren at the little things we do... 

* a nervous habit i have is biting things. writing utensils, my knuckles, the sleeve of my shirt... nothing really disgusting. for the most part it's my knuckles. i also tend to really over apply chapstick when i get anxious.

* something that makes me sad is ignorance and abuse and how petty and materialistic people are becoming with every generation.


* today i am thankful for a weekend and then a two-day school week and then another longer weekend. my cat. my mom. my best friends. cute guy friends who smell good and tell me i'm pretty when i haven't been having a good week, let alone a good day.


* my favorite room in my house is either my momma's bedroom (that's basically our family's living space :P), our kitchen, the loft area that's almost always the toastiest room in the house and has all of our books (where do you think i am right now? :P), or my bedroom when it's not a horribly chaotic mess.


* i can't stand homophobes. people who put up walls and refuse to listen but then complain that you never talk. people who stereotype me because of the way they think i act and the way i dress. PeoPlE wHo TyPe lyKE ThiS in a piece of writing on a writing community. people who can't accept that there are other ways to do things other than their own.


* if i had an extra $100 to spend on whatever i wanted today i would quickly rebuild my closet. i have too many clothes. i want to get rid of almost all of them and get it down to where, while i might have to do laundry once every week and a half (*gasp!*)(i have enough clothes to last much longer than that right now....) i feel like it would be worth it. too many material things. i want a couple of really cute, really comfy dresses for each season :P


* the last person i hung out with was my momma. we watched BONES together. preggo bones = weepy rissa. since when is brennan actually smiley and reachable and ioqhrwetjrgbkdfn?!?!?!?!?!?!!! it makes me all snuffly.


now, off to write that stupid paper.